From satirist Scott Ott, Obama: 46 Million in America Live Without Haircare

While the United States leads the world in research and scientific advancements offering unparalleled options to consumers, President Barack Obama said today “the fact remains that 46 million people in America live without proper haircare.”

“In the most technologically-advanced and financially-prosperous nation on earth,” the president said, “we ought to be ashamed that millions go to bed each night in fear, with no way to pay for regular preventative grooming, some so desperate that they turn to primitive home remedies.”

However, Republicans in Congress contend that the president misrepresents that statistic.

“There may well be millions in America without hair coverage, but haircare is available to all who really want it,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-OH. “When you hear the president use that 46 million figure, you need to remember that about 10 million of those are not even U.S. citizens. We may think their hair looks funky, but it’s culturally appropriate for them.”

Rep. Boehner said that among actual Americans, 17.6 million simply choose not to pay for haircare, despite having family income of more than $50,000 annually.

“Just look at Hollywood if you want a case in point,” he said. “We’ve got millionaires who apparently don’t know where to buy a comb and couldn’t spell ‘barber’ if you spotted them the letters B and R.”

About 18.3 million of the un-coiffed are younger than age 34, he said, and simply don’t see the need yet for proper grooming.

“Until you’re a Dad or Mom, you don’t realize the fleeting nature of great hair,” said Rep. Boehner. You think you’ll always have it, or that you can take care of it yourself. But then you have kids and one day you catch yourself licking your fingers and pasting down your boy’s cowlick…and that’s when it hits you: This stuff is important.”

Once these groups are subtracted from the 46 million figure, and you factor in people who are simply “between stylists” and will get care as soon as they find a new one, Rep. Boehner said the actual number of “people in aesthetic jeopardy” is closer to 8 million.

“The most compassionate thing to do for those people is to reduce their taxes, thereby freeing up cash they can use to get their bangs trimmed,” the lawmaker said. “For many Americans, a tax cut leading to a haircut would help them see all of life in a new way…or at least they could see the obstacles in their way, thus avoiding impact and reducing their need for medical care as well.”