From satirist Scott Ott:  U.S. occupies GM, establishes secure ‘Green Zone’

The U.S. occupation of General Motors, following a ‘shock and awe’ lightning-speed takeover, began this week with the appointment of a new provisional administrator, and establishment of a secure ‘Green Zone’ in the heart of Detroit.

The White House went out of the way to assure local citizens that the occupation force will be temporary.

“As the people of G.M. stand up, we will stand down,” said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs. “The president has no desire to run a car company. The United States government does not covet a single assembly line and we’re eager to see sovereignty returned to the democratically-elected leaders of the G.M. labor unions.”

Meanwhile, inside the secure Green Zone, U.S. forces work to transform G.M. from an unwieldy, bureaucratic behemoth that makes greenhouse gasses, into an unwieldy, bureaucratic behemoth that makes alternative-energy micro-cars.

“The only way to stop man-made global warming is to get people to drive less,” said Gibbs. “The quickest way to do that is to make cars so undesirable that people would rather walk, bike or take mass transit. That’s the kind of work we’re doing in the Green Zone.”

The provisional leadership will face a diplomatic challenge dealing with sectarian strife within GM.

“If we can’t establish command-and-control structures rapidly,” said Gibbs, “the various divisions within G.M. could tear it apart. But the president is confident that the people of G.M. have the same values, and want the same outcomes, as the Democrat party in general.”

“They want the freedom to have union leaders speak for them and the opportunity to pursue wealth regardless of the corporate balance sheet,” he said. “They want the kind of safety and security that comes from knowing you’ll always have a job, despite the ongoing threat posed by the fickle consumer.”