From satirist Scott Ott, Obama Picks Bailed-Out Firms’ Pay Czar, Hall Monitor
As early as next week, President Barack Obama will reportedly name Kenneth Feinberg to act as a “Special Master for Compensation” for the Treasury Department, ensuring that companies which received federal bailout money comply with executive pay ‘guidelines’.
Later in the month, insiders say the president will appoint Esther Schultz, a retired woman from rural Pennsylvania, to serve as “Special Master of Hallway Traffic” to ensure that employees of bailed-out firms “remain at their desks during work hours, not out wandering the halls and getting into mischief.”
Mrs. Schultz, who for 73 years served as hall monitor at William H. Grimace High School, in Carbondale, got on the president’s short list of potential nominees largely on the strength of her ability to enunciate with authority the crucial question: “And where are you supposed to be, young man?”
“It’s an honor to serve the president and his companies, and to protect the involuntary investment of the American taxpayer,” Mrs. Schultz said. “If workers are out milling around, loitering, or engaging in hallway hijinks, they’re dragging down our return on investment.”
Under the new Obama administration protocol, employees of bailed-out firms will require a hall pass, signed by a supervisor, in order to make trips to the restroom, the water cooler, or to another worker’s cubicle.
“If they don’t have that hall pass,” said Mrs. Schultz, “I’ll take them by the ear, if necessary, and march them straight to the Oval Office. I don’t take no guff from nobody. I’ve been known to walk right into the boy’s room and drag them out. You have to show them who’s the boss.”