From The Endive, EPA Outlaws Greenhouses
In an effort to stop the spread of deadly greenhouse gases, the EPA announced an effort to crack down on the source – by eliminating greenhouses.
“For too long, greenhouses have been emitting dangerous greenhouse gases,” said EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson, “Today, demolition crews across the country will take the first giant leap towards saving our planet as we put an end to the very greenhouses that started this mess in the first place.”
Environmentalists hailed the announcement as great progress towards a greener America.
“This is great progress towards a greener America,” said Professor Tim Greene, “While environmentalists like me have enjoyed watching the EPA emasculate cars, obfuscate efforts towards alternative energy and utterly destroy aerosol deodorants, its fun to watch them actually tackle a problem at its source. If you’ll excuse me now, I must go fart in one of my special carbon filter bags.”
Greenhouses across the country have been preparing for the EPA’s new policy to dramatically change their business.
“Basically, we grow plants here,” said Chad Pennington, a manager at Gene’s Greenhouse in Wichita, “They do give off a lot of oxygen, I guess. Since the EPA’s new regulations require that we be thoroughly destroyed, we’ll have to try to diversify a little bit. We’ll definitely be eliminating the part of our business that requires us to grow plants in a greenhouse. That’ll have to stop.”
President Obama praised the EPA for saving our planet and creating new jobs.
“It’s already come to my attention that our greenhouse destruction plan has created 42 new jobs,” said the President, “That’s good, solid, temporary, benefit-free work for 42 Americans who know how to operate a front-loader in a demolition situation. That’s what I call stimulus.”
“I support the President in his effort to put an end to greenhouse gases,” said Pennington, “He’s also creating jobs, which is cool, because I need one. So do the 3,000 other people that Gene’s Greenhouse has been forced to lay off across the country. None of us can drive a front loader, but we can grow plants. Maybe he has a spot for us at GM?”