Satirist Scott Ott brings the news of the government’s attempt to right a societal wrong:  Justice Department to force criminals to register illegal guns

In an effort to reduce gun violence nationwide, Attorney General Eric Holder said today that the Obama administration will reinstate the Clinton-era assault weapons ban that expired in 2004, adding new provisions to make it even more effective at saving lives.

Under the revised rules, people who intend to commit crimes with stolen guns, for example, will first need to register those weapons with the federal government.

“Guns don’t kill people,” said Mr. Holder, “Unregistered, stolen guns kill people. Once we have a list of all of the guns owned by potential criminals, it will be much easier to track down the origin of a weapon that’s been used in a robbery or murder.”

The Justice Department plans to open illegal gun registration kiosks in pawn shops, urban parking garages and abandoned buildings in high-profile locations to make the registration process “as easy and painless as possible.”

In addition to the registration requirement, the definition of ‘assault weapon’ has been expanded to include not only certain semi-automatic guns with pistol grips, large magazines, silencers or collapsible stocks, but any weapon that can be used to assault another person.

“About 14 percent of murderers use knives,” the Attorney General said. “Another five percent kill with blunt objects, and 11 percent with other weapons. The way to stop all of this, of course, is to compile a database at the federal level of all sharp kitchen utensils, hand tools, belts, lengths of rope, hangers, pillows and other potentially-deadly weapons.”

President Barack Obama has said he agrees with the Supreme Court’s D.C. vs. Heller decision which asserted that the Second Amendment to the Constitution guarantees an individual right to “keep and bear arms.”

“The president is fully behind the Heller decision,” said Mr. Holder, “and he also supports common-sense laws to prevent any practical application of that ruling. All we’re trying to do now is to eliminate the discriminatory distinction between so-called law-abiding citizens and the rest of us.”