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I’ve been reading speculation that Sen. Harry Reid will attach whatever Senate health care reform bill comes out to another bill that has already passed the House as an amendment, thereby giving cover (or so he thinks) to any Senators who vote to pass it. They’re voting for this OTHER bill, you see, not the Baucus mess.
Now satirist Scott Ott reveals the Trojan Horse bill the Senate is sure to vote for:
…The “vapor bill” would ban “concealed, or open, carry of any farm implement comprised of sequential, lateral, equidistant metal tines mounted on a wooden pole anywhere within the District of Columbia, or within 1,000 yards of any government office building in the United States.”
“Given the way this session of Congress has gone,” said Sen. Reid, “I feel confident that a pitchfork ban will enjoy wide, bipartisan support, and provide the ideal platform on which to affix our health care reform amendment.”..
More at the link.
Happy days are here again. The world loves us, or at least our President:
The awarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama landed with a shock on darkened, still-asleep Washington. He won! For what?
For one of America’s youngest presidents, in office less than nine months — and only for 12 days before the Nobel nomination deadline last February — it was an astonishing award…
That’s putting it mildly.
…For the Nobel committee, merely altering the tone out of Washington toward the rest of the world seemed enough. Obama got much attention for his speech from Cairo reaching out a U.S. hand to the world’s Muslims. His remarks at the U.N. General Assembly last month set down internationally welcome new markers for the way the U.S. works with the world…
Besides, Europe was feeling guilty about the Olympic bitchslap.
Good intentions and soaring rhetoric trumps actual accomplishment: Meet the People Who Were Passed Over for Obama
It’s not about him, the President says:
“To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who have been honored by this prize – men and women who have inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of peace…
Finally, he says something I can agree with.
“But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of world that those men and women and all Americans want to build – a world that gives life to the promise of our founding documents.”
Really? Our founding documents promise nationalized industries, staggering debt, stunning unemployment, the dollar in the toilet and univeral health care coverage?
NoBell pic from 9/12 Project
Obama noted that the peace prize has been used “as a means to give momentum to a set of causes. And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action – a call for all nations to confront the common challenges of the 21st Century.”
Did I miss something last November? Was he elected President of the world? How about paying attention to what’s happening in America, Mr. President?
Not everyone is thrilled. From satirist Scott Ott:
United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon today rejected in the strongest possible terms the deployment of the Nobel Peace Prize to U.S. President Barack Obama, which he said was “reminiscent of George W. Bush’s disastrous doctrine of preemption.”
“The Nobel committee, perhaps persuaded by faulty intelligence and a hyped sense of urgency, made an historic blunder in its rush to judgment,” said Mr. Ban. “When Obama was nominated in February, he had just taken office…so the prize was awarded based on his speeches as a presidential candidate, not even for the good intentions that he has implemented in the past eight months.”…
It was all about him, says Ott:
An unnamed member of the Nobel committee this morning explained the shocking decision to give the Nobel Peace Prize to U.S. President Barack Obama, who had served only 11 days as president when nominated, by noting that the gold medal would go a long way toward boosting Mr. Obama’s self-esteem…
The award has gone to his teleprompter’s head.
Who says the House and Senate healthcare bills are all bad? Health Plan Offers Therapy for Obama Fatigue Syndrome
2009-07-21) — Republicans in Congress have attached a provision to the massive health care reform bill providing funding for experimental drugs and therapies to mitigate the effects of O.F.S. (Obama Fatigue Syndrome), a collection of often-painful symptoms apparently brought on by over-exposure to the ubiquitous President Barack Obama.
In recent days, the president has appeared on television, on radio, on stage at a country music tribute, on a conference call with left-wing bloggers, and at a Japanese Steakhouse where he was seen tossing sauteed shrimp from the tip of a large knife into the mouths of middle-aged divorced women while keeping up an entertaining banter about the urgency of the moment.
Mr. Obama has worked, perhaps harder than any modern president, to make sure that the people know that he’s there for them, almost-literally all of the time. But medical experts say his ‘omnipresidency’ may also have a down side.
“Too much of anything can cause trouble in the human body,” said an unnamed researcher at the National Institutes of Health. “Even a gentle caress, with incessant repetition, can become an annoyance, then a raspberry abrasion, then an open weeping sore, then gangrene.”
From Pajamas Media, A Modest Proposal for Dealing with the Traitors Who Imperil Our Planet
Some Sunday satire. Scott Ott’s Scrappleface: EPA to monitor eBay sales of personal carbon emissions
A little-noticed provision of President Obama’s cap-and-trade plan to regulate greenhouse gases authorizes the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) to monitor the sale of personal carbon dioxide offsets on eBay and Craigslist.
Carbon dioxide, a toxic gas exhaled by every American citizen as well as by domesticated and wild animals, recently came under the regulatory umbrella of the EPA, then moved to the head of the list of clear and present dangers to life on earth.
“Just as corporate carbon offsets penalize companies that manufacture things that experts say most Americans could live without,” an unnamed EPA source said, “personal carbon offsets help people to make more planet-friendly lifestyle choices.”
“Once the carbon dioxide emissions cap is in place,” said the EPA official, “then those citizens whose exertions, or sheer immensity, generate outputs above federally-permitted levels, must purchase offsets from less hazardous citizens. Craigslist and eBay provide the ideal platform for this exchange, since most carbon-offset sellers already spend most of their time online.”
“This could be a real goldmine for shallow breathers, you know, couch potatoes,” the EPA source said. “And for those who over-exert, spewing out earth-threatening gas at an alarming rate, the penalty of paying for these offsets may induce them to reconsider the cost to humanity of all of that breathing.”
Obama, who has had his own “lifelong struggle with excessive exhalation” due to frequent speeches and pickup basketball games, said he plans to purchase his personal offsets on eBay.
“My eBay watch list right now includes a lethargic 17-year-old gamer, and a middle-aged woman who just loves HGTV but never works in her home or garden,” the president said. “I’m the leading bidder on both, and I’m hoping to get one of them for something less than the ‘Buy it Now’ price.
From satirist Scott Ott: Obama says signing bills fast makes government ‘more transcendent’
Clarifying his campaign promise to post all legislative bills online for five days before he signs them, President Barack Obama today said that his failure to so in the first six months of office reflects his commitment to make government “more transcendent.”
“Any politician can call for transparency in government,” the president told a crowd of supporters in the White House press briefing room. “Making legislation transcendent means lifting it above and beyond the ordinary range of human comprehension. People don’t necessarily want to read, or understand every law. They want to experience mystery and the majesty that comes through obscurity.”
The statement came in response to a New York Times story Monday that claimed the president has not posted a single piece of legislation online for five days before signing, and noted that, even if he were to do so, it’s too late to change a bill’s language at that point anyway.
“Transparency is disingenuous,” said Obama. “The people can see right through it. But transcendence elicits awe. A thousand-page stimulus bill that spends $800 billion in the twinkling of an eye leaves the common people breathless, their mouths agape, their eyes fixed in wide wonder. That kind of legislative transcendence stirs the soul in ways you can’t get from a dry reading of the text of a bill, or in-depth analysis of its potential consequences.”
During his presidential campaign, Obama said, “When there’s a bill that ends up on my desk as president, you, the public, will have five days to look online and find out what’s in it before I sign it, so that you know what your government’s doing.”
Monday he affirmed that, “The people do indeed know what their government’s doing. We’re making laws. Congress quickly writes bills. I rapidly sign them. That’s what their government’s doing. And because the public trusts Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and me, their faith leads, as the old saying goes, to the bliss that comes from a certain level of knowledge.”